You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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