I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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