Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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