I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
