mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
