Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
dude. I can hear the air.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
