The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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