I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
