So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
