mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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