I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
