there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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