Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
