Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
