haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I've blown a few things in my day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
