Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
