we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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