New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
