I wanna bring you to show and tell
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
