i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
