I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
