why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
