were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
