I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
