OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Randomize
