At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
