i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
