I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
