I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
