So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
