LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
