he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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