if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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