ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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