i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
