I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
