At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
