I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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