I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
