this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
