dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my being single is dangerous.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
