im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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