Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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