He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
