true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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