my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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