It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
