Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
