College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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