Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
